I decided to write this blog firstly to keep me busy. Its also good to write things down to take things off your mind so i thought maybe that would help. There are thousands of blogs from people, writing about breakups and how to move on so i don’t even expect anyone to read this, i suppose its just my way of coping. I also thought i would make a bucket list of 50 things i want to do before i die. I guess that now is the best time to start ticking off some of my dreams so hopefully i can use this blog to chat to others about the journeys they have been on too!
A break up is never easy. After making someone your everything you are pretty much left with nothing when they are gone. I’ve been through many break ups in the past, however none of them hit me as hard as my most recent. This was supposed to be THE ONE. I had finally found happiness then it all went wrong. I can’t pin-point a certain date, it just happened. It all just seems like a blur, but I am now feeling an amazing, overwhelming sense of a thousand emotions I never knew existed.
The first thing I did, strangely enough was to deny it was happening. I suppose that was my way of coping. To pretend that none of it was happening and expect that everything would sort itself out eventually. The next feeling was shock. Shocked that I had finally woken up and realised what was happening around me. My world was falling apart and it was too late to do anything about it. Shock that i was about to lose the one person I loved more than anything, my home and the comfortable life i had been living for the past 15 months. After this, the crying began. Every single emotion hit me at once and i couldn’t cope. I could have cried a thousand tears yet it never made me feel any better. I sobbed into my pillow every night, woke up in tears, cried on the way home from work and in fact – at every moment possible. To everyone else, i was coping. I planted a smile on my face and it seemed easier that way.
After spending weeks on end laying in bed feeling sorry for myself, i knew i had to fight for what i wanted. I HAD to get my life back. There was no way -after moving away from my family to start a new life – was i going to let go of it. I never ever imagined that he wouldn’t want the same. As it goes, he didn’t and still doesn’t. It doesn’t matter how many times someone can say ‘give him some time’ or ‘let him have some space’. I couldn’t give up. After texting endless essays, crying over the phone and declaring that my life was over i felt a sense of anger. How could somebody who used to love you so much give up on you? How could they walk away after promising they would always be there? I couldn’t stop and refused to give up. I would have days where a thought would pop into my head and i just had to tell him, thinking that this last little thing was going to make him see sense. This obviously still hasn’t worked either!
The worst feeling you can have in the world is guilt. It eats away at you, every second of the day. You could be having lunch with friends, shopping, speaking on the phone – but it is always there at the back of your mind. I find myself thinking ‘What if i had done that?’, ‘Maybe if i hadn’t done this it would have been better?’. Every single day I ask myself these questions and it absolutely kills me thinking i could have done things differently. I wonder if i will ever stop asking myself these questions.
I read a few days ago a quote that said ‘How can you be happy with someone, if you cant be happy with yourself?’. I suppose this is true but when your in the moment, you cant ever see yourself being happy again. There are so many different quotes all over the internet, telling you to live your life and never have regrets.. Its just a shame they don’t actually tell you how to do it.